{Story Time} Ecstasy Embodied

It’s 2011…I’m at Kripalu in Massachusetts, training in SomaSoul somatic expressive therapy with Dan Leven.

At every single one of our year-long trainings, I move through a very specific sequence of states; I start from a place of feeling ‘fine’ (=not feeling much)…

after a couple days of intensive work, my defences melt and I dive deep into feeling -what in Gestalt Psychology we call- the ‘death layer’ (=my painful emotions, shadow, challenges -all that I have been unconsciously keeping away from)…

and then, something interesting happens.

On that particular morning, I am dancing with a partner. I am the mover and they are the witness/space holder. The intention is to express how we feel through the body. I have been in the depths of my death layer the past couple of days…lots of crying and hurting, lots of holding myself and being held by others. And lots of doubt that I’m ever going to come out of it, that I’ll ever stop feeling this way now that I’m here.

I start my dance moving slowly and heavily, contracted, collapsed. Looking down. Tears flowing. Completely surrendered, there is no resistance left, I enter my pain and let it move me. I see myself and I am seen by my movement partner. Compassion. Presence.

In that moment, the story doesn’t matter. What has happened for me, what caused the pain, what broke my heart.

What matters is that I am there. Fully. And I express. There is depth, and power. In the struggle. There is beauty, but not the pretty kind.

And then…within a split second, the feeling changes. My movement expands. It starts getting bigger, bolder, free. I unfold. I feel a wave of energy rushing through me from the ground up, from deep in my belly to the crown of my head and the tips of my fingers…

I dance, I dance. Wildly.

As I turn round and round, a mala necklace I wear around my neck flies off in the air and travels across the room, landing on the other side. Like I just have done too.

Ecstasy.

The kind that emerges through Alchemy, not transcendence. The kind that embraces both pain and joy, and builds a dancing bridge between them.

I am ALIVE.

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And it is all coming full-circle.
- to be continued…